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Post by krystal on Nov 16, 2005 23:41:44 GMT 10
Judge -" It seems to me that I've seen you before." MacDonald - " You have, your Honor; I gave your daughter bagpiping lessons." Judge -" Thirty years." * * * This fellow went to a Scottish doctor and said. " Doctor, I've got a very poor memory. What do you advise ? " " Well, " said the Doc, " for a start you can pay me in advance." * * * Sandy was taking his girlfriend for a drive on his motorbike. As they passed a hot dog stand she sighed, " My, those hot dogs smell really nice." " Hold on a moment, " said Sandy with great gallantry. " I'll drive a little closer so you can get a better smell." * * * An Englishman was being tried for being drunk and disorderly. The judge asked him where he had bought the whisky. " But I didn't buy it, Your Honor," said the Englishman. " A Scotsman gave it to me." "Fourteen days for perjury." said the judge. * * *
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Post by LLady on Nov 17, 2005 6:00:04 GMT 10
#laugh# #laugh# #laugh#
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Post by dreamy on Nov 17, 2005 7:28:23 GMT 10
Loved them, good ones, Krystal!!!
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Post by albalassie on Nov 18, 2005 9:53:20 GMT 10
they were good Krystal
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Post by smudger on Nov 20, 2005 8:14:33 GMT 10
How many Englishmen does it take to batter down a castle gate? 10,000, 100 to hold the ram and 9,900 to move the castle back and forth.
Caller to BT Directory Enquiries: "I want a knitwear company in Woven" Operator: "Woven? Are you sure? Caller: "Yes, That's what it says on the label. Woven in Scotland."
Little boy called Jamie asked father, called Wallace, "what will my name be when I grow up?" Father said "Jamie of course". Little Jamie said "do you mean to say I will have a little boy's name when I'm a grown up man?"
rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.
Lady, at pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the road saw the little Green Man and heard the audible sound so duly crossed over to the other pavement. An American visitor asked what was the purpose of the audible sound. On being told it was for blind people said, 'Oh, we don't let them drive in America' !!
The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."
"In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."
McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"
McDougal walked into a fish and chip shop. "I want 10 pence worth of chips, please. I want lots of salt and vinegar on them and two pence worth of pickled onions. And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper".
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Post by LLady on Nov 20, 2005 8:37:56 GMT 10
Caller to BT Directory Enquiries: "I want a knitwear company in Woven" Operator: "Woven? Are you sure? Caller: "Yes, That's what it says on the label. Woven in Scotland."
#laugh#
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Post by dreamy on Nov 21, 2005 10:59:56 GMT 10
"The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."
#happy# #happy# #happy#
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Post by krystal on Nov 23, 2005 21:14:33 GMT 10
rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt. #laugh# #laugh#
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Post by andi on Nov 24, 2005 7:20:02 GMT 10
Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down Sauchiehall Street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye - "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"See me, ah'm Scotland's world expert oan European wasps an' the sounds that they make. I'd very much like tae listen tae the new LP you huvv advertised in the windae."
"Aye, nae borra" says the young man behind the counter. "Get yersel intae the booth and put oan the headphones, I'll put the LP oan furr ye."
Scotland's world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "Ah might be Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, but ah didnae recognise wan of thae wasp sounds."
"Affy sorry sir" says the young assistant. "If ye want take pap yerr erse back intae the booth, I can let you huvv another 10 minutes."
Scotland's world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.
"Naw, ah dinnae get it," he says, "I am Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make, an' yet I still cannae recognise wan of those!"
"**** me sir" says the young man, "If ye want, I could gie ye 5 mair minutes furra right good listen."
Sighing, the Scotland's expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the Scotland's world expert on European wasps an' the sounds that they make an' I didnae recognise a single wan of thae wasps on that LP."
"Och **** sir, ah'm really, affy, terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've jist realised I was playing you the Bee side."
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Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Post by Elly on Nov 24, 2005 9:56:04 GMT 10
#happy#
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Post by LLady on Nov 25, 2005 6:29:38 GMT 10
Too funny! ;D
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gale
Clan Member
Posts: 87
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Post by gale on Nov 25, 2005 7:09:36 GMT 10
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