Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Post by Elly on Nov 25, 2005 22:03:39 GMT 10
The minister was sharing a rail compartment with a Scot the worse of drink, who insisted on talking. ‘Please don’t speak to me,’ said the minister. ‘You’re drunk.’ ‘Drunk?’ replied the Scot. ‘You’re worse than me — you’ve got your collar on back to front.'
It was like this,’ said Donald. ‘I was teaching the wife to drive, and the brakes failed when we came down the hill.’ ‘What did you tell her?’ ‘Try and hit something cheap!’
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gale
Clan Member
Posts: 87
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Post by gale on Nov 25, 2005 23:10:01 GMT 10
;D
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Post by krystal on Nov 26, 2005 20:54:05 GMT 10
Sandy MacTavish is walking home with too much to drink, finally he decides to lie down by the side of the road for a wee sleep. In the morning a fellow Scot is walking down the same road with a live chicken under his arm. The chicken is squawking and wings a flapping. Sandy awakes to the noise, rubs his eyes and says that it brings a tear to his eye when he hears the pipes.
Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time. His mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally, one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and said that the man had grown his stomach because he did not stop sucking his thumb. The next day the child was with his mother in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a woman with a stomach that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was very pregnant. Finally the irate woman said to the child, " Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am." " No, " said the boy, " but I do know what you have been doing."
"Young Donald, " said the angry father from the top of the stairs, " didn't I just hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in ? " " You did, " admitted Donald. " It was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn't disturb you." The father muttered, " Why didn't I think of that one in my courting days ! "
Sandy: " Will you marry me ? " Girlfriend: " No, but I'll always admire your good taste. "
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Post by krystal on Nov 28, 2005 21:20:30 GMT 10
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
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Post by krystal on Nov 28, 2005 21:23:33 GMT 10
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Post by andi on Nov 28, 2005 21:52:28 GMT 10
;D
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Post by andi on Nov 28, 2005 21:52:43 GMT 10
Wee Davy and his pals are playing pool in The Auld Keech. The mobile phone on the bar rings and Wee Davy engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Wee Davy: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the Auld Keech?"
Wee Davy: "Aye, ahmurr"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Wee Davy: "Aye, nae borra doll ... get wan furra weekends an aw."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
Wee Davy: "How much?"
Woman: "£60,000"
Wee Davy: "Aye OK, but ah want a red wan awright."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
Wee Davy: "Aye awright, but ah'm only gonnae offer £900,000."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!
Wee Davy: "Aye awright hen, I luv you too."
Wee Davy hangs up. The other men in the Auld Keech are looking at him in astonishment.
Wee Davy looks back at them confidently an says "Anyone ken who's phone this is?"
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Post by dreamy on Nov 28, 2005 22:55:03 GMT 10
#shock# #happy# #happy#
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bordy
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by bordy on Nov 30, 2005 3:02:33 GMT 10
Not Quite Rabbie Burns.
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie, Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie, Just as ye sit doon among yer kin There starts to stir an enormous wind.
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas Start working like a gentle breeze But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae a'body's gonnae hae tae pay Even if ye try tae stifle it's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair Tae try tae stop the leakin' air Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek Pray tae god it disnae reek
But a' the efforts go asunder Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder Ricochets arrond the room Michty me! a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks A' hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks Tae the bog a' better scurry Whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me choakin' One or two are nearly boakin' I'll feel better for a while Cannae help but raise a smile
It wis him! I shout and glower Alas too late, he's just keeled ower Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare I'm no that welcome any mair
Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free That sounds jist the joab fir me Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party Ower the sake o' one wee ferty.
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Post by andi on Nov 30, 2005 5:47:55 GMT 10
Wee Billy the Weegie fae Castlemilk always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.
Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Bucky and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Gallus, eh?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone?
Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
" There y'are! It clearly says ....
> > Scroll Down..........
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Taiwan"
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Post by krystal on Nov 30, 2005 20:10:17 GMT 10
#laugh# #laugh#
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Post by dreamy on Nov 30, 2005 22:55:04 GMT 10
#cheeky# #happy# #happy#
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