Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Post by Elly on Dec 2, 2005 0:54:09 GMT 10
In the Northern Highlands, an impatient farmer knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered. " Is your father in ? " asked the neighbor. " No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" " No it's not that" said the neighbor. " Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40." " No, it's not that. " said the neighbor. " How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter. " The service of that bull is only $30." The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it." " Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."
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Post by smudger on Dec 3, 2005 15:36:22 GMT 10
A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes." There are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. The truth is, however, that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke -but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet! Jamie burst into the house and proudly announced to his father, "I ran home behind the bus and saved ten pence." To which his father replied, "You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi and saved five pounds." Scottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions." Another Scottish preacher is said to have prayed thus after a particularly unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was returned safely." An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He replied that he wasn't interested in antiques. An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply. Sign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling." Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection. Letter to the editor: "Sir, if you print any more jokes about Scotsmen I shall cease borrowing your newspaper. Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."
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Post by krystal on Dec 4, 2005 19:30:34 GMT 10
#happy# #happy#
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Post by andi on Dec 4, 2005 20:57:29 GMT 10
;D
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Post by andi on Dec 4, 2005 20:58:38 GMT 10
A man moves from Scotland to the US and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring, 'Run! Run!'
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: 'R-r-r-un, yah bl**dy bah***. R-r-run!'
A third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, 'RRRun, yah bl**dy bah***, rrrrun, why don't ya???'
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls,'Take your base.' The Scotsman stands up, yelling, 'RRRun, ya bah***, rrrun!' All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down, very much confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, 'He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.'
The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts, 'Wahlk with prrrride, man!'
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Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Post by Elly on Dec 5, 2005 19:46:00 GMT 10
Sandy met Donald, an old friend, after the passage of some years, and the following conversation took place: "I've been married since I last saw you, Donald." " Married, Sandy, " that's good. " Oh, not so good, Donald, she was a terrible scold." " Married to a scold, you say ? That's very bad Sandy." " Oh, not so bad, Donald. She had lots of money." " A wife with money. Sandy ! That's very, very good." " Oh, not so good, Donald, she was very thrifty with it." " A wife with money. Sandy. And very thrifty with it. That's not good." " Oh, not so bad, Donald. She built a house with it." " A house of your own, Sandy. That's very fine." " Not so fine, Donald. The house burned down." " The new house built with your wife's money burned down. Sandy ? That's very bad for sure ! " " Oh, not so bad, Donald. She was in it! "
#ssmile#
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Post by andi on Dec 8, 2005 8:02:50 GMT 10
Sandy met Donald, an old friend, after the passage of some years, and the following conversation took place: "I've been married since I last saw you, Donald." " Married, Sandy, " that's good. " Oh, not so good, Donald, she was a terrible scold." " Married to a scold, you say ? That's very bad Sandy." " Oh, not so bad, Donald. She had lots of money." " A wife with money. Sandy ! That's very, very good." " Oh, not so good, Donald, she was very thrifty with it." " A wife with money. Sandy. And very thrifty with it. That's not good." " Oh, not so bad, Donald. She built a house with it." " A house of your own, Sandy. That's very fine." " Not so fine, Donald. The house burned down." " The new house built with your wife's money burned down. Sandy ? That's very bad for sure ! " " Oh, not so bad, Donald. She was in it! " #ssmile#
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Post by andi on Dec 8, 2005 8:03:13 GMT 10
Walking into the bar, Hamish said to the barman, 'Pour me a large Scotch, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah,' said Eddie. 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Hamish replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.' 'Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless bas****!'
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Post by LLady on Dec 8, 2005 10:36:11 GMT 10
#happy# #happy# #happy#
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Post by weewummin on Dec 17, 2005 1:20:30 GMT 10
Hymie and Angus were playing golf. Angus pulled out a cigar, but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied. He reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12" lighter. "Wow!" said Angus, "Where did you get that monster?" "Why, I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. Angus then says to the genie, "I'm a good golfing buddy of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks him for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky darkens and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Angus tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!" Hymie answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. You don't really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic, do you?"
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Post by krystal on Dec 19, 2005 22:11:24 GMT 10
#shock# #shock# #shock#
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Post by andi on Dec 29, 2005 22:43:37 GMT 10
Legend has it that there is a bar in Glasgow where, in the ladies room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie... Poof. They are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
Sooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room, stands before the mirror and says, 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.' Poof. The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, 'I think I'm the sexiest woman alive.' Poof. The mirror swallows her.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, 'I think...' Poof.
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