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Post by dreamy on Aug 13, 2006 1:11:57 GMT 10
In the Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door of neighbouring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered. " Is your father in ? " asked the neighbour. " No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" " No it's not that" said the neighbour. " Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40." " No, it's not that. " said the neighbour. " How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter. " The service of that bull is only $30." The neighbour rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it." " Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."
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Post by dreamy on Aug 13, 2006 1:12:46 GMT 10
A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married." " So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."
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Post by smudger on Oct 9, 2006 20:35:52 GMT 10
Ouch !!!!! Dreamy the poor guy on the postcard that`s enough to bring tears to a glass eye #laugh# .
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Post by LLady on Oct 9, 2006 23:56:23 GMT 10
In the Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door of neighbouring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered. " Is your father in ? " asked the neighbour. " No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" " No it's not that" said the neighbour. " Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40." " No, it's not that. " said the neighbour. " How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter. " The service of that bull is only $30." The neighbour rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it." " Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy."
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Post by LLady on Oct 10, 2006 0:02:30 GMT 10
A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married." " So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you." uh oh.... #happy#
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Post by smudger on Nov 9, 2006 6:21:53 GMT 10
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Och! It's no that dark!
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo! He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined" He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
When Jock moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!" Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again. "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!" Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!" "Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom. The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?" Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?" The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid" He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery. He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home. When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently. "Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
Irate golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!" Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks,
"How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."
A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back" The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives. The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold. "Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"
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Post by andi on Nov 11, 2006 1:55:02 GMT 10
#happy# #ssmile#
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Post by andi on Nov 11, 2006 1:55:18 GMT 10
A fireman at the station house working ootside the fire truck when he notices a wee boy next door. The wee boy is in a little red wagon with a little ladder hung aff the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman say's, 'Hey little boy, what are you doing'?
The little boy say's ' I am pretending to be a fireman and this is my truck'
The fireman walks over and takes a closer look. " Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck" the fireman says.
"Thanks mister," says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.
"Eh, little boy", says the fireman. " I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster".
The wee boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren"
#shock#
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Post by smudger on Feb 22, 2007 19:46:10 GMT 10
AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"
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Post by LLady on May 7, 2008 19:06:14 GMT 10
AN ENGLISHMAN, AN IRISHMAN AND A SCOTSMAN An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them. The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!" ;D
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Post by dreamy on Feb 15, 2009 3:50:38 GMT 10
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says,
'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.
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