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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:24:19 GMT 10
Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them. Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not holding the pillow hard enough
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:24:54 GMT 10
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:25:32 GMT 10
Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.
One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:27:12 GMT 10
Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent. After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?"
The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees." The first two men were dumbfounded.
"Wow! What happened next?" they asked. The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:28:21 GMT 10
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice. He had always hated Math, so, he asked his secretary for some Mathematical help. He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
She replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:30:40 GMT 10
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:32:32 GMT 10
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:33:24 GMT 10
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, took some money from his purse, and gladly pressed it into the young man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
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Post by dreamy on Aug 9, 2008 22:56:40 GMT 10
Men, you may think you have a command of the English language, but when it comes to communicating with women, you may be surprised. Here is our dictionary of Womanese. Master these terms and you'll find your relationship with women greatly improved.
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.
Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house).
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)
Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
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Post by dreamy on Jan 4, 2009 2:06:27 GMT 10
That's How The Fight Started - from a man's view
________________________________
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive..... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's how the fight started.....
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would
make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.
***********************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.
And that's how the fight started.....
*********************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since..' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.....
*********************************************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....
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Post by LLady on Aug 13, 2009 7:23:41 GMT 10
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.
And that's how the fight started.....
good one!
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