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Post by dreamy on Jan 12, 2009 2:53:11 GMT 10
A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went "Pssst" and it didn't move"
* * * *
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" " I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"
* * * *
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"
* * * *
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."
* * * *
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a b@%!h to iron."
* * * *
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
* * * *
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b@%!h is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b@%!h is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b@%!h is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
* * * *
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said "Holy S@#t! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
* * * *
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
* * * *
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
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Post by dreamy on Jan 11, 2009 23:41:23 GMT 10
On Friday Dave Dee died at the age of 65, after he had fought cancer bravely for about seven years. I'm sure you all can recall the band DAVE DEE, DOZY, BEAKEY, MICK and TITCH and some of their greatest hits like "The Legend of Xanadu" or "Bend it".
I had the luck and pleasure to see him performing during an Oldie Night a few years back, and he was so great; with his special sense of humour and charisma he almost raised hell; the audience was up on their feet, dancing, singing, applauding - it was a big party!
Oh, and there is a funny story that also took place that night during a break. I was following nature's call and rushed to the restrooms, and I mean I REALLY rushed. It was an indoor icehockey stadium where the event took place and no VIP areas back then. I was close to the door for ladies when someone else rushed around the opposite corner on his way to the door for gentlemen. We both crashed into one another and wrapped the arms around one another in order not to fall and hit the ground. It was him, Mr. Dave Dee himself; I had to laugh and said I hoped I didn't hurt him but would lie to say I was too sorry right now. This made him also laugh, he kissed me on both cheeks and replied, "Same here, bless you sister!", and then we disappeared behind the appropriate doors.
This was his way with folks, may he rest in peace.
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Post by dreamy on Jan 11, 2009 5:56:13 GMT 10
He's smart, ain't he?
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Post by dreamy on Jan 11, 2009 5:54:51 GMT 10
I know this discussion from Germany, too. They always say it was for preventin concerning terrorism and serious criminal acts. While I could imagine to agree on it for some very few cases where indications of a terroristic background are given and a jugde at court gave his permission by a sentence I can't imagine it in general. The new "look through" people, Big Brother's watching you? Never.
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Post by dreamy on Jan 4, 2009 22:47:13 GMT 10
So this is your special day, Neil...
happy happy birthday; have a great day and celebrate - may you have the best year ever ahead, especially wishing for your efforts of getting custody for wee Andrew.
Again - all my best wishes!
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Post by dreamy on Jan 4, 2009 2:06:27 GMT 10
That's How The Fight Started - from a man's view
________________________________
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive..... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's how the fight started.....
*********************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would
make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.
***********************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.
And that's how the fight started.....
*********************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since..' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.....
*********************************************************************** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....
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Post by dreamy on Dec 30, 2008 23:51:10 GMT 10
December 30
On this day in 1899 Rangers played their first match at the new Ibrox stadium.
The match was a 3-1 victory over Hearts in the Inter-City League. Within months the stadium included two covered stands and had a capacity of 75,000.
Today in 1899 the Albion Motor Company was established. At first the firm made motor cars and commercial vehicles, but from 1913 concentrated on the latter. During World War I the premises were enlarged to produce military vehicles. The firm amalgamated with Leyland Ltd in 1951, and the works continued to make complete vehicles until the 1970s.
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Post by dreamy on Dec 29, 2008 0:56:45 GMT 10
December 28
Today in 1879 the Tay Bridge disaster occurred.
75 passengers were killed when the structure collapsed under a train during a storm. The subsequent inquiry found that the bridge's designer, Thomas Bouch, had not made sufficient allowance for wind pressure and that the contractor had used imperfect metal castings. Bouch was widely blamed for the tragedy and died of ill health brought on by his ordeal shortly thereafter. The foundations of the collapsed bridge can still be seen today as one crosses the Tay on its replacement.
On this day in 1734 Scotland's famous outlaw, Rob "Roy" MacGregor, died. He was immortalised in Sir Walter Scott's novel, Rob Roy, and though the dramatic licence employed by Scott was considerable, MacGregor's life story is fascinating. Born in the Trossachs, he was a successful soldier from an early age. After a loan repayment to the Duke of Montrose was apparently stolen, a warrant was issued for his arrest. When his wife and children were evicted by the Duke's factor MacGregor began a campaign of violence and robbery against Montrose's property, supported by the Duke of Argyll.
Many adventures ensued, most famously his daring escape from the back of a horse, when he cut his bonds and leaped into the river Forth. He was eventually captured and sentenced to transportation, but he even managed to escape that when he received a pardon at the last minute.
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Post by dreamy on Dec 29, 2008 0:52:15 GMT 10
Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway.
(Harper Lee)
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Post by dreamy on Dec 28, 2008 2:26:45 GMT 10
On this day in 1904 J M Barrie's play "Peter Pan" premiered at the Duke of York Theatre, London.
Barrie was born in Kirriemuir. Though he first gained recognition as a writer of novels set in rural Scotland, it is as a playwright that he has become a household name with his timeless creation, Peter Pan. There has been a century of speculation about the motives of the man who created an imaginary world where children never grew up, and who perhaps never truly grew up himself, yet there is no doubt about the imaginitive force of this story which has delighted generations of children and adults alike.
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Post by dreamy on Dec 28, 2008 2:24:30 GMT 10
Finally I also watched "Burn After Reading" because I usually love the work of the Coen Brothers. I admit I have a bit of a sick humour, too . You are right, Rose - you have to love this kind of humour but for those who do it's a brillant screwball comedy - I almost laughed my a*** off! My expectations were fully met.
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Jean
Dec 26, 2008 7:58:22 GMT 10
Post by dreamy on Dec 26, 2008 7:58:22 GMT 10
How could I miss this one that long...good one!
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