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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 6:48:14 GMT 10
A Women's Guide To Male English
-- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
-- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
-- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
-- I'm tired = I'm tired
-- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
-- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
-- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 6:56:03 GMT 10
A Man's Guide To Female English
-- We need to talk = I need to complain
-- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
-- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
-- We need = I want
-- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
-- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
-- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
-- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
-- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
-- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
-- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
-- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
-- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
-- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
-- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
-- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
-- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
-- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
-- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
-- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
-- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
-- Yes = No
-- No = No
-- Maybe = No
-- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
-- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
-- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
-- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
-- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 6:57:17 GMT 10
His and Hers Road Trip
HERS
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra five miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7-Eleven.
7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee and beef jerky.
8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts, after he closes the door.
11. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven. 12. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was.
13. Almost hits a deer.
14. Curses the night.
15. Curses you.
16. Curses the large Slurpee.
17. Stops by the side of the road.
18 Takes a leak.
19. Still taking a leak.
20. Almost done...I think.
21. Returns to car.
22. Drives and fiddles with radio.
23. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
24. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
25. He hates your sister, ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
26. He had to look up pernicious.
27. Couldn't find a dictionary.
28. Finally found a dictionary.
29. Couldn't spell pernicious.
30. Seethes at the memory of it all.
31. But she is laughing inside.
32. And of course you're still lost.
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 6:58:37 GMT 10
Rules for Men
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
b. After wrecking his boss' Ferrari.
c. When his date is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is five minutes. Maximum waiting time is six minutes
7. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. It is permissible to have a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.
11. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see nothin'.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
15. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
16. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice butt. Are you a Sagittarius?
17. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:01:03 GMT 10
GENDER ITEMS
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:02:36 GMT 10
Comebacks to Pickup Lines Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:10:06 GMT 10
Tips for us ladies in year 2008
Aspire to be Barbie - she has everything.
If the shoe fits - buy one in every color.
Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila
In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.
I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.
When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex boyfriend!
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:14:33 GMT 10
The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers:
The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - I sorry what did you say, I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:17:10 GMT 10
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.
Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)
Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:20:43 GMT 10
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late? Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?' Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out? Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:21:43 GMT 10
There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.
No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
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Post by LLady on Apr 10, 2008 7:23:30 GMT 10
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"
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