Post by andi on Dec 3, 2006 6:36:14 GMT 10
Barbie's Letter to Santa:
Dear Santa:
Listen, you fat troll, I've been saving your butt every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and
dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to you,
Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't want to
be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 2006:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and Velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite.
3. A REAL man. I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me
GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy,
Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway?
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that
actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is
anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctors and schoolteachers make real money.
8. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of
cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -- I think I deserve a piece of
the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these
demands are reasonable.
As ever,
Barbie
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Ken's Letter to Santa:
Dear Santa:
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for
changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical corrections and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about my sexuality and some of my fashion choices. I would like to
take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well
as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
[expletive] has everything. By no means do the Raggedys (Ann and Andy), Joe,
or myself have dreamhouses, Corvettes, dune buggies, or evening gowns. Some
of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle.
I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement, but never
upstage, Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was
immediately quashed, which I protest.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature.
Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon
Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues that could be considered are: "GO-GO
Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken."
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the
needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action
to be taken by others and myself. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget
about GI Joe. He's mine -- at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
Dear Santa:
Listen, you fat troll, I've been saving your butt every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and
dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to you,
Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't want to
be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 2006:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have
nylon and Velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite.
3. A REAL man. I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me
GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy,
Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway?
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that
actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is
anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctors and schoolteachers make real money.
8. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of
cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -- I think I deserve a piece of
the action.
Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these
demands are reasonable.
As ever,
Barbie
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ken's Letter to Santa:
Dear Santa:
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for
changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical corrections and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about my sexuality and some of my fashion choices. I would like to
take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well
as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
[expletive] has everything. By no means do the Raggedys (Ann and Andy), Joe,
or myself have dreamhouses, Corvettes, dune buggies, or evening gowns. Some
of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle.
I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement, but never
upstage, Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was
immediately quashed, which I protest.
I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature.
Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon
Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues that could be considered are: "GO-GO
Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken."
In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the
needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action
to be taken by others and myself. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget
about GI Joe. He's mine -- at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
