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Post by andi on Dec 3, 2006 6:43:34 GMT 10
Santa Claus finally answers some of the letters he gets from kids. Careful: he's cranky these days.
HE'S BAD!
...
deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your mom smoked pot when she was carrying you, didn't she?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your fri*** fat mom, who rides his a** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
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Post by andi on Dec 3, 2006 6:45:19 GMT 10
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words: Jim Beam.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the a**** of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the cr**s table.
Santa
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
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Post by andi on Dec 3, 2006 6:46:35 GMT 10
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging sh** may work with your folks, but that cr** doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater. Again. Santa --- Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky" -- that's why you're getting your a** kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, government apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do: through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa #shock#  |
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Post by dreamy on Dec 4, 2006 3:44:32 GMT 10
#happy# #happy# #happy# They are so funny, andi!
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Post by andi on Dec 4, 2006 21:53:16 GMT 10
I could read them so often and still laugh at them dreamy, they're my favourite xmas jokes. ;D
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Post by dreamy on Dec 5, 2006 1:13:11 GMT 10
Me too, andi; just my kind of humour #devil# #ssmile#
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Post by smudger on Dec 5, 2006 21:32:23 GMT 10
Santa Claus is a Woman? (A Rebuttal)
There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:
First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."
What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.
And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.
If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.
The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte's.
Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.
Santa doesn't need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.
She-Santa would never say "HO HO HO". She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.
Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.
She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.
Yup, Santa's a guy alright!
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Post by dreamy on Dec 6, 2006 0:41:54 GMT 10
You don't want me to start a discussion on this one, smudger, don't you? #foottap# #happy#
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Post by smudger on Dec 8, 2006 21:22:01 GMT 10
God forbid Dreamy i would nae dare #cheeky#
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