Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Men
Jan 6, 2007 15:32:52 GMT 10
Post by Elly on Jan 6, 2007 15:32:52 GMT 10
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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Men
Jan 8, 2007 6:35:38 GMT 10
Post by smudger on Jan 8, 2007 6:35:38 GMT 10
Aye like that one ... #laugh#
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Men
Jan 11, 2007 7:58:04 GMT 10
Post by LLady on Jan 11, 2007 7:58:04 GMT 10
Too funny!
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Men
Feb 1, 2007 7:47:45 GMT 10
Post by LLady on Feb 1, 2007 7:47:45 GMT 10
Because I'm a Man... Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking or it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger. I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either fooling around or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it-looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand the male.
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Men
Feb 1, 2007 7:49:06 GMT 10
Post by LLady on Feb 1, 2007 7:49:06 GMT 10
Drowned in Beer Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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Men
Feb 1, 2007 7:50:55 GMT 10
Post by LLady on Feb 1, 2007 7:50:55 GMT 10
Feeling Guilty? One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a company party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.
Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.
Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
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Men
Feb 1, 2007 7:58:35 GMT 10
Post by LLady on Feb 1, 2007 7:58:35 GMT 10
"IT'S A GUY THING."
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH, HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN." Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY; YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF; IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit; I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"I'M GOING FISHING" Translated:"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"I'M GETTING MORE EXERCISE LATELY" Translated: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
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Men
Feb 1, 2007 8:01:32 GMT 10
Post by LLady on Feb 1, 2007 8:01:32 GMT 10
It's Great To Be A Guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Gas (at either end) is cool. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
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