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Post by andi on Oct 22, 2005 17:54:13 GMT 10
Differences Between Men & Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Post by Elly on Oct 22, 2005 18:21:10 GMT 10
Differences Between Men & WomenOFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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Post by braveheart007 on Oct 22, 2005 18:25:03 GMT 10
Bar Room Translations
1. "You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) (I'm easy.)
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) (I'm gay.)
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) (I'm horny.)
10. "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. "Excuse Me." (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)
12. "Excuse Me." (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.) (Editor's Note - one of my personal favorites)
13. "Excuse Me." (female to male) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
14. "Excuse Me." (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
15. "What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)
16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male) (I'm *really* gay.)
17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female) (I'm *really* easy.)
18. "That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. I don't have my ID on me." (female) (I'm 19.)
21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)
Ian
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Post by andi on Oct 23, 2005 2:17:10 GMT 10
#happy# #happy#
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Post by braveheart007 on Oct 23, 2005 16:28:10 GMT 10
WOMEN'S 50 or so RULES FOR MEN
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald." 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. 8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. 11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. 12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. 13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. 17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. 18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. 20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. 21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. 22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 27 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. 29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. 33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." 37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. 38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." 40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. 41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. 42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. 43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. 44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. 46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 47. Men forget everything; women remember everything. 48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. 49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. 50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Ian
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Post by braveheart007 on Oct 23, 2005 16:29:31 GMT 10
MEN'S 43 or so RULES FOR WOMEN
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done. 2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red. 3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. 4. Shopping is not fascinating. 5. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. 6. Unless the answer is yes. 7. In which case, can he videotape it? 8. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes. 9. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 10. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny. 11. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada. 12. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time. 13. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 14. He heard you the first time. 15. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little. 16. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. 17. Of COURSE he wants another beer. 18. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot. 19. Dogs good. Cats bad. 20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls". 22. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument. 23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. 24. He was not looking at that other girl. 25. Well, okay... maybe a little. 26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy... 27. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "pussy". 28. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. 29. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones. 31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking. 32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm. 33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him. 34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower. 35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. 36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner. 37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt / Antonio Banderas / Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with. 38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all. 39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute. 40. Don't hog the covers. 41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that... 42. He does not just want to be friends. 43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
Ian
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Post by braveheart007 on Oct 23, 2005 16:47:28 GMT 10
I take no responsibility and don't look vaguely like any of the above comments lol Ian
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Post by krystal on Oct 23, 2005 20:30:06 GMT 10
#happy# #happy#
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Post by dreamy on Oct 23, 2005 21:52:11 GMT 10
Oh my God, they are all too good to select any...ain't it the truth? #happy# #happy# #happy#
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Post by LLady on Oct 24, 2005 1:23:45 GMT 10
Bar Room Translations1. "You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) 2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.) 3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) 4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) (I'm easy.) 5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) (I'm gay.) 6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) 7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?) 8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.) 9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) (I'm horny.) 10. "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.) 11. "Excuse Me." (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.) 12. "Excuse Me." (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.) (Editor's Note - one of my personal favorites) 13. "Excuse Me." (female to male) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.) 14. "Excuse Me." (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the very *friendly* person you are.) 15. "What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?) 16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male) (I'm *really* gay.) 17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female) (I'm *really* easy.) 18. "That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?) 19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.) 20. I don't have my ID on me." (female) (I'm 19.) 21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here) Ian ;D
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Post by andi on Oct 24, 2005 2:31:09 GMT 10
Oh my God, they are all too good to select any...ain't it the truth? #happy# #happy# #happy# They are hilarious!!! #ssmile#
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Post by braveheart007 on Oct 24, 2005 17:49:41 GMT 10
MEN'S ADVICE FOR WOMEN· . Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' · Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. · Please don't drive when you're not driving. · Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline. · When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do. · When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "This is our exit" is not strictly necessary. · The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it. · Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? · If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? · You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. · Silence does not need to be filled. · It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together. · No, you can't have the remote control. Ian
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