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Post by andi on Jan 3, 2006 1:44:59 GMT 10
Angus and Agnes lived on an Island off Skye.
After 23 years of marriage, Agnes conceives and bears a child.
Angus got the boat out and rowed to Portree to put an advert in the paper.
When he came back Agnes says
'Well did you put the advert in the paper?'
'Yess I did'
'How much did it cost?'
'Three thousssand six hunnerd, an forty poundss and twenty three pence'
'Why did it cost that much Angus?'
'Well when the man asked How many insertions?', I said Thrice nightly for twenty three years!''
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Post by smudger on Mar 7, 2006 4:25:46 GMT 10
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
What do you call a Scots woman with one leg? Eileen.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow." The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow." The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"
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Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Post by Elly on Apr 28, 2006 23:27:16 GMT 10
A Scotsman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Scotland on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Scotsman hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Scotsman produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Scotsman for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction. All has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Scotsman replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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Post by dreamy on May 18, 2006 23:11:43 GMT 10
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.
He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normaly solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his testicles, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." At, this the Scotsman said, "Aye Lad, maybe you should just keep the wee egg."
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Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Post by Elly on Jul 24, 2006 15:39:09 GMT 10
As a Christmas present one year, the laird gave Macphail, the gamekeeper, a deerstalker.
Macphail was most appreciative, and wore the hat every day. When it was particularly cold and windy, he pulled the flaps down to keep his ears warm. Then one day the laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
‘Where’s the hat?’ he asked. ‘I’ve given up wearing it, since the accident,’ said Macphail. ‘Accident? I didn’t know you had had an accident.’ ‘Oh, yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky, and I had the earfiaps down and never heard him.’
#laugh# #laugh#
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Post by dreamy on Jul 25, 2006 8:42:21 GMT 10
What a tragedy!!! #happy# #happy#
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Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Post by Elly on Aug 1, 2006 19:29:27 GMT 10
The English General got a case of cold feet before the battle against the Highlanders. Calling his command together, he said: " Men, we're going to get beaten, but you must fight as bravely as you can. If worse comes to worst, run for it; as for me, I'm a little lame, so I'll start now. "
Sandy went to the hospital complaining of sharp pains in his legs. After a few days of tests, his doctor came to see him. " Sandy, I have some good news and some bad news Which do you want to hear first ? " Sandy asked for the bad news first. " The bad news is that we'll have to amputate both your legs." " My legs ! " wailed Sandy. " What on earth could the good news possibly be ? " " Donald, the man across the hall says he'll buy your kilt."
#cheeky# #laugh#
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Post by andi on Aug 3, 2006 23:07:43 GMT 10
#happy#
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Post by dreamy on Aug 4, 2006 20:14:09 GMT 10
Sandy went to the hospital complaining of sharp pains in his legs. After a few days of tests, his doctor came to see him. " Sandy, I have some good news and some bad news Which do you want to hear first ? " Sandy asked for the bad news first. " The bad news is that we'll have to amputate both your legs." " My legs ! " wailed Sandy. " What on earth could the good news possibly be ? " " Donald, the man across the hall says he'll buy your kilt." #cheeky# #laugh# #shock# #laugh#
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Elly
Administrator
Posts: 29,887
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Post by Elly on Aug 5, 2006 18:03:01 GMT 10
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Post by dreamy on Aug 6, 2006 5:44:38 GMT 10
Holy cow! #shock# #happy# #happy# #tartanberet#
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Post by dreamy on Aug 13, 2006 1:10:27 GMT 10
Sandy was showing the tourists the historical places of the area as he drove the large tourist bus through central Scotland " Here at Bannockbum we hammered the might of the English........ " They moved on. " Here we thrashed the brutal English. " A little further. " On this spot, ladies and gentlemen, we knocked the unholy lard out of a crowd of English redcoats in spite of their treachery." An English tourist grew understandably irate. " Look, " he said, " surely the English must have beaten the Scots some place or other ? " Sandy glared. " Not on this bus, anyway, " he growled.
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